


Guiding Light

by StreetSoldierin



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: 3+1, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I wrote this in 2017, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Injury, M/M, Magnus Bane Is Quite Magical, Self-Destruction, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 16:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20763227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreetSoldierin/pseuds/StreetSoldierin
Summary: Three occasions on which Alec is clumsy and one where Magnus realizes there's more to it.





	Guiding Light

**Author's Note:**

> **Important!**  
This fic deals with suicide, and as I was quite young when writing this, there was some stuff I didn't get quite right.  
Please bear that in mind. This is NOT necessarily a correct depiction of a suicidal person, nor is how I wrote it the correct way to approach someone who's suicidal.
> 
> If you struggle with suicidal thoughts or anything alike, please seek help! It is important and not a sign of weakness!  
Here are some resources if you need help:
> 
> **National Suicide Prevention Lifeline**  
800-273-8255 (24/7)  
Online chat: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/ (24/7)  
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
> 
> **Crisis Text Line**  
Text HOME to 741741 (24/7)  
https://www.crisistextline.org/
> 
> **The Trevor Project** (specifically for LGBTQ+ youth)  
866-488-7386 (24/7)  
Text START to 678678. (Mon-Fri 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. EST/12 p.m. to 7 p.m. PST)  
TrevorCHAT (instant messaging, available seven days a week 3 p.m. to 10 p.m. EST/12 p.m. to 7 p.m. PST)  
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
> 
> Stay safe, reach out and let's all support each other.

**I.**

Magnus had only seen Alexander Lightwood a few times, but every encounter was etched into his mind. There was just something about the black-haired Shadowhunter that made Magnus' skin tingle, a sensation he hadn't felt in a long time, and everything about the boy was mesmerizing. 

This time though, he was sure he'd never forget how they met. Magnus Bane was not someone to be startled easily, but when he stepped into the Institute – having been called on by Maryse Lightwood to reinstall the wards, she always made a point in hiring a High Warlock for this to show that the Institute was well-protected and that the Lightwoods were rich enough to afford it – his heart skipped a beat at the sight of Alec at the bottom of the stairwell.   
He had managed to pull himself up into a sitting position, but Magnus could see the blood and the unusual angle of his leg. As fast as he could he strode over and crouched down next to Alec, whose pained eyes snapped up. "Magnus? What are you doing here?"   
"I was here for the wards, but right now I believe you are in greater need of repairing."   
Alec laughed, but it turned into a pained cough. "Really? What makes you think that?" 

Magnus pulled up his sleeves and placed his hands on the Shadowhunter's chest, reaching out with his magic to assess the damage. He could sense a broken rib and leg, some contusions and what seemed to be a slight concussion. What surprised him was that he could also feel a lot of minor injuries, bruises, cuts, and those appeared to be older.   
"Well you surely did a good job on damaging yourself. What happened?" 

A sigh escaped Alec's lips as Magnus' magic spread out and began to ease the pain. "Stairs."   
Magnus raised an eyebrow. "That must have been a pretty bad fall."   
"Yeah well, I stumbled at the top." 

A look up the staircase told Magnus that that explained a lot since it was very steep and long. If Alec had managed to fall all the way down then he was probably even lucky that nothing worse had happened. 

"How fortunate that your wards need renewal. Where is your family at?"   
"They can't hear me here," Alec mumbled and groaned as his rib slid back into its original position to mend itself. "Ouch."   
"Forgive me, but I have to reposition the bone, otherwise it won't heal properly. What about that parabatai of yours? Shouldn't he sense when you're in distress?" He didn't know why he was pressing the subject, but something about the fact that Alec could have been lying here in pain for hours longer if he hadn't shown up made his lungs contract.   
"Yeah," Alec said in a reluctant tone. "He does. But we have kind of an... um... arrangement I guess. That we only need to help each other when the pain is too bad. Otherwise he'd have to come running every five minutes."   
Magnus paused. "Why is that?" 

At that, Alec blushed – which was very noticeable since he was pale as a sheet at the moment – and looked away. "Well... I'm kind of a clumsy person."   
"Huh," Magnus replied and returned to mending his injuries. "I wouldn't have taken you for one."   
The answer was a humorless chuckle. "You'd be surprised."   
"I am indeed. So, if that is true, I suppose that is where all your bruises and cuts are from? Why didn't you heal them with those angelic runes of yours?"   
Alec winced. "If I drew an iratze for every little bruise I'd be more scarred at eighteen than a normal Shadowhunter at the age of eighty – if any of us ever get that old, that is. It happens a lot, I'm used to it."   
"I see." Drawing back his hands, Magnus mustered Alec. At least the color was coming back to his face. "There, that should be better. Can you get up?" 

He held put a hand which Alec took to pull himself onto his feet. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that, you could've just gotten someone from upstairs, you know? I know that doing magic drains your strength."   
Magnus smiled. "I know that I didn't have to. Just do me a favor and watch out for yourself, Alexander. As much as I enjoy helping you out, I prefer it when you are unharmed."   
Alec furrowed his brows, but didn't reply. Magnus didn't mind. The Shadowhunter wasn't hurt anymore, his wounds healed, broken bones mended. For now, everything was alright. 

**II.**

Magnus was awoken by a yelp coming from the kitchen. Still a little bit drowsy he sat up, pushing back the violet silk sheet. The space next to him in bed was empty. 

He got up and walked towards the kitchen, where he could hear water running by now. When he entered, the situation became clear very quickly: Alec was holding his hand beneath the stream of water and next to him on the stove stood a pot with boiling water, some of which had spilled all over the counter top – and, Magnus assumed, Alec's hand. 

"Good morning, Alexander." Alec jumped a little, he obviously hadn't heard Magnus entering. The latter just shook his head and reached to turn off the water, taking Alec's hand into his. It was bright red and blisters were already building.   
A blue spark sprang between their hands and Alec gasped. "Magnus, you don't have to..." But Magnus silenced him with a simple gesture and continued to heal the burn with his magic. They both watched the skin lose its angry red color and return to normal. Magnus ran his thumb over it as if to reassure himself that it was really healed. 

Then he looked up to meet Alec's eyes. "Remember that time about two months ago when you fell down the stairs? I meant it when I said I preferred it when you are unharmed. Just because we're dating now doesn't change that."   
Alec flushed and drew his hand back. "Oh, shut up. I was just making breakfast and the water spilled."   
"Making breakfast? Darling, you know I can just..."   
"Yes, but I wanted to do this," Alec interrupted him. "You don't have to use your magic for everything, you know? I can do this for us, too." He glanced at his now healed hand. "Well, at least I thought I could."   
"Sweetheart." Magnus reached out and laid his hands onto the other's shoulders. "Of course you can. I was just wondering why the effort, since I don't mind using my magic. 

"It's just..." Alec had started rubbing the skin which had been burned moments ago. "You can do so much, Magnus, and of course that's not a bad thing; I admire you for it. Your magic is beautiful. But I don't want you to do everything, you know? It doesn't feel fair, and yes, I know you don't mind, but still this... I want to give something back, even if it's just making breakfast that I know you could've brought here with just a snap of your fingers. You do so much, but you shouldn't have to. I don't like standing back and watching while you take care of everything." 

Magnus didn't know what he had expected, but this wasn't it. He had never realized that Alec might feel that way. "I'm sorry," he replied, gently lifting Alec's chin with his fingers so their gazes were meeting again. "I never intended for you to feel out of place." 

Alec sighed. "This isn't about me. I think you feel the obligation to do things because you can and it's easier for everyone and takes less time, but I don't want that for you. I don't want you to take on everything just because you can. I want to give you something back, too, I want us both to do things for each other. This relationship isn't a one-man-show, Magnus, and I won't let you give everything and not receive anything in return." 

This stunned the warlock even more. Usually it was different with people who knew about his magic, knew what he could do. But this was his Alexander, he should have known he wasn't the same.   
"I guess I'm just so used to giving. I did not see it that way, I'm sorry."   
"That's just the thing, you know?" Alec reached up to touch the warlock's face. "People are asking things from you all the time, they take and take and never give something themselves. That's not how it should be between us. We're a couple now, and I don't want to be someone who just takes. I fell in love with the whole you, and you are so much more than your magic." 

In all the centuries he had lived, Magnus hadn't learned any words that could express the amount of adoration he felt for the Shadowhunter in front of him. There was no possible way of saying what his heart was telling him, and therefore he only pulled Alec close and brought his lips down on his.   
Alec gasped in surprise, but seemed more than content to return the kiss. 

When they broke apart, they were both smiling.   
"So," Magnus asked, reaching out to twirl a stray strand of Alec's hair between his fingers. "May I help you with preparing the breakfast then?"   
"You may," Alec replied and leaned in for another quick kiss. Then he grinned. "It's probably best if I stay away from the boiling water, anyways." 

**III.**

This time, Magnus saw it coming before it actually happened. It was a split second of carelessness, only a short moment in which Alec did not pay attention and then it all happened very fast.   
Magnus saw the car coming, he only had time to call the Shadowhunter's name and reached out with his magic... but too late. There was the sickening screech of someone stepping on the brakes, and then the sound of a body hitting something solid. 

Magnus lurched forwards, falling to his knees next to Alec who had rolled onto his back already, gasping for breath. The driver was getting out of his car, shouting at them what happened, but Magnus only snapped his fingers and a second later the car was on its way again. This was just so easy on mundanes. 

Quickly Magnus put a glamour on Alec and himself, reaching out to open the Shadowhunter's jacket. "You stupid, stupid Nephilim. Did your mother not teach you to look before crossing the road?" He wasn't angry, not really, it was the fear talking. 

Alec coughed. It sounded painful. "She taught me how to kill demons." 

"Where's the sense in learning to defend yourself against deadly dimensions when you get yourself killed in your own? Look at you!" He reached under Alec's bloody shirt, assessing the damage. It was bad, but, to his relief, nothing fatal. Broken ribs, a sprained wrist, some cuts and bruises, something that felt like a concussion, a diaphragm rupture. 

"I can't heal you here. We will have to portal you back to my place. Do you think you can handle that?" 

Alec nodded, but Magnus could see that he was gritting his teeth. He wished he could just heal him here and now and spare him of the stress of going through a portal, but healing those kinds of injuries would take a toll on Magnus himself and he couldn't risk passing out in the streets of New York. 

He hurried to open a portal, agitated by the fact that Alec's breathing turned more and more into wheezing and coughing. When he was done, he carefully bent down to the Shadowhunter.   
"I'll carry you. This is going to hurt, but I need you to hold on to me. Can you do that?"   
"Yeah," Alec croaked, but when Magnus lifted him into his arms, he cried out in pain. "Wait, wait..."   
"I know," Magnus murmured soothingly. "I know it hurts. You will be alright, angel, just hold on for me." 

Another cough shook Alec's body. "My chest hurts," he said weakly.   
"It's your diaphragm," Magnus said and walked over to the portal, careful not to cause Alec any more distress. "The muscle across the bottom of your ribcage. It ruptured, and that's why it hurts and you can't breathe properly. But it will be fine, I promise."   
"Magnus, I..."   
"Hush, darling. No more talking." 

And then he stepped through the portal. 

Magnus was used to portaling, he did it all the time. And Alec, being a Shadowhunter, had to be too. But it wasn't a pleasant feeling, and going through a portal with broken bones hurt like hell.   
When they arrived in the living room at the loft, Alec was screaming in Magnus' arms. 

As fast as he could Magnus laid the Shadowhunter onto the sofa, ignoring that there would be blood stains everywhere. "Sh, angel, it's okay." He reached out and ripped Alec's shirt open, touching the skin beneath. "I've got you. It's okay." 

Slowly, he let his magic seep into Alec's body, not wanting to shock him with a sudden jolt of energy. A tear spilled out of the corner of Alec's eye. "I'm so sorry," he croaked, but Magnus just shook his head. "Stop talking, everything is fine." 

He focused on the ruptured diaphragm first since it was the most difficult to heal. It took all his concentration to mend it, it felt like he was trying to glue something back together with butter. He groaned in frustration as he felt his magic slip away and started again.   
When the diaphragm was finally healed, Magnus was covered in sweat. 

"Mags..." Alec whispered, but Magnus didn't stop, he couldn't. He mended the broken ribs, healed the sprained wrist and the concussion and with every second he could feel his energy fading, the healing magic he used was draining him. When he turned to the cuts, his vision became blurry. He groaned, trying to keep it up, but to no avail. He barely managed to heal the cut he had been concentrating on before he collapsed to his knees. 

"Magnus!" Alec exclaimed, but his voice sounded weak. The procedure had taken a toll on him, too. 

"It's alright," Magnus said, and he could feel himself slipping away. "It's all fine, Alexander. Just rest." 

And then he sank forwards against the sofa, giving in to the darkness that surrounded him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he woke up again, there were voices. Slowly he opened his eyes, blinking a few times to clear his vision. He was still in the living room. Someone had moved him up onto the couch next to Alexander, who was still sleeping. His face looked peaceful though, and that calmed Magnus. His own body was aching all over, but Alec would be okay and so would he. 

As he looked up he could see Jace and Isabelle standing in the kitchen, the door open. Carefully Magnus stood up, not wanting to wake up Alec. He raked his hands through his hair a few times, though there probably wasn't much he could do to save his appearance today. 

"Well," he said as he entered the kitchen. "I guess this is what I get for setting the wards to let you through."   
Jace and Isabelle stopped talking and immediately turned around. "You're awake!" Isabelle exclaimed. "The way you looked we didn't know if that was ever going to happen."   
Magnus sighed and stalked past them to get himself a glass of water. "You haven't seen me at my worst, dear. If you had seen me in 1857 in London, then we could talk." 

"What happened?" Jace interrupted, obviously not interested in their bickering. "I felt Alec being in a lot of pain, and when we came here, you had both passed out."   
"Oh, so this time the pain was enough for you to actually show up?" Magnus asked, raising a brow and taking a sip of his water. Jace drew back, looking confused.   
"Yes, Alexander told me about that agreement of yours. We only come to help when the pain is too bad. May I ask you, how exactly do you judge when too bad is too bad?"   
"We have this agreement for a reason," Jace shot back. "I can't drop everything just because Alec hit his head on the exhaust duct again. He's just clumsy."   
"No, he is not." Magnus sat his glass down. It made a harsh clunking sound on the counter. "And maybe if you had paid attention, you would have noticed. But obviously you couldn't be bothered." 

And with that, he walked out again, leaving two very confused Shadowhunters behind. He wouldn't tell them about his suspicion, but not because he thought he might be wrong. He was absolutely certain, but either they figured it out own their own or Alec chose to tell them.   
He, for now, had to take care of his boyfriend now. 

**IV.**

It had been a week since the accident. Magnus had basically forced Alec to stay home and take time off, despite the multiple "I'm fine"s. Eventually Alec had given in, under the condition that Magnus stayed home too. 

And so they had spent an entire week doing nothing but nice things like cooking dinner, cuddling, taking bubble baths and reading to each other. Magnus felt as content has he hadn't had in a long time, but there was always something nagging at the back of his mind.   
And today he couldn't take it any longer. 

"Alexander! Grab your bow, we're going out!" Alec stuck his head out of the bathroom. "We're what? I just got up!"   
"So did I, so hurry!"   
Alec seemed confused, but then he just shrugged and vanished into the bathroom again. Ten minutes later they were both dressed and ready.   
"Why do you want me to bring a bow? Did this week bore you so much that you feel the sudden need to kill something?"   
Magnus shook his head. "Don't confuse me with Jace, darling. This isn't about killing." 

He had already opened up a portal and reached out to take Alec's hand. Without hesitation Alec took it and they stepped through.   
Portaling was much easier when they both were uninjured and not worried. 

They landed in a forest. Just a plain, usual forest with trees and bushes and a small purling stream.   
Alec turned to Magnus, a questioning look on his face. "Where are we?"   
"In a forest," Magnus stated the obvious and snapped his fingers. Targets appeared all around them, simple archery targets in all forms and sizes, big, small, moving, some blinking to confuse the eye. Magnus smiled at Alec. "Shoot."   
"You are acting very strange," Alec replied but reached for an arrow nevertheless. "This week off hasn't done you any good, apparently."   
He adjusted the arrow, pulled, aimed and then let it fly. It hit a small target right in the bull's eye. "What now?" 

"All of them." Magnus pointed around them. "I want you to take a shot at all of them." 

Shaking his head, Alec reached for another arrow. "If it makes you happy. But please tell me this isn't some weird idea of a turn on." 

Magnus chuckled. "Well, I have to admit it is hot indeed, but that is not what this is about." 

And so Alec shot. He squinted his eyes in concentration, reaching for arrow after arrow, pulling and releasing. The only sound was the soft whoosh as the arrows flew and the thump when they hit their target. And they did. They all hit straight in the bull's eye.   
When he ran out of arrows, Alec turned to Magnus again, wiping a trickle of sweat off his temple. "There we go. Will you please tell me now what this was all about?" 

Magnus stopped eyeing the targets and turned his attention back to Alec. "You are a brilliant shot, Alexander." 

"Uh, thanks?" Alec replied, but Magnus went on. "Hush, I'm not done. You're a brilliant shot. Archery is a form of art, I believe you know that. It takes dedication and passion and precision. If I was to fight with a weapon, the bow would not be my choice because I simply lack the patience it would take to master it and most Shadowhunters choose a blade over arrows.   
But you did not, and not only did you decide to practice one of the most difficult fighting styles there are, you also mastered it perfectly. I have never seen such a good archer as yourself, and I have lived a long time.   
That seems like a lot of flattery, but I need to tell you this, Alexander, because I worry about you: There is no possible way that you can be that good with a bow and be so clumsy at the same time." 

Alec took a step back, his eyes widening. "I... what? What are you saying? You think I'm faking?" 

Hastily Magnus shook his head. "No, no that is not what I mean. But you are not a clumsy person. You are an artist with your bow, you have precision and patience. All those little accidents, they are not the result of you stumbling over your feet. I think you grew careless of your own life and that worries me." 

Alec gasped. For a few moments neither of them said anything, just stared into each other's eyes. Then finally, Alec choked out, "I'm not suicidal if that's what you're implying." He didn't look angry, as Magnus would have expected, but outright frightened instead. 

Magnus took a step forward and carefully reached out to cup Alec's cheek in his hand. "But you are, darling. It is not that you are actively trying to kill yourself, but you have stopped trying to stay alive. Just as your room at the Institute is a mess, but at my apartment you are almost obsessed with keeping it cleaned; you care more about me than yourself, and while that is flattering it also is not something I can just ignore. I love you, Alexander Lightwood, I love you deeply and truly and I will not have you cling to life for the sake of someone else, even if that someone is me. Loving means caring, and I need you to live for yourself, I need you to live because you want to. Please, let me help you." 

The first thing Magnus could feel was that Alec was starting to tremble. Then, all of a sudden his legs gave out and he slipped to the floor, sobbing. 

Quickly Magnus jumped forwards and caught him just before he could hit the ground, pulling him into his arms. "Hey, it's okay. Let it out, angel, it's okay." 

"I... I don't know anymore, Magnus," Alec sobbed into his chest. "I don't know what I want, I don't know what I'm doing. I just don't know." 

"We'll figure it all out," Magnus said soothingly and pulled Alec closer. The forest floor was damp and a bit cold, but he didn't care. "It's going to be alright. You have me by your side now, and I'm going to help you through this." 

"Magnus, I'm so sorry!" 

"There's nothing to be sorry about, darling." Magnus began stroking the other's black hair. "These things you feel, they are not your fault. None of this is. People get mental illnesses just like they get sick and that's nothing to be ashamed of." 

Alec took a shuddering breath. "I just don't know how..." He broke off, and Magnus placed a light kiss on top of his head. "As I said, we'll figure it out. May I just ask one question?"   
Hesitantly, Alec nodded. 

"The reason that you don't draw iratzes anymore...is it really because of the scars?" 

Alec sighed and pressed his face into Magnus' neck. "No. I don't think so. I don't... I don't do these things consciously. Like, I never meant to step in front of that car... I didn't want to put you through that. I just didn't watch where I was going, but you're right, it's not because I am reckless or clumsy. But I try not to think about it. I'm scared of myself, Magnus, the way I act... it scares me. And if I just don't think about it, it doesn't seem so real, you know? And that's why I never told anyone or did something against it... so it wouldn't get real. But when you just confronted me, it did, and I'm sorry for being such a mess about it, but..." 

"Do not apologize, sweetheart, not for something like this. Listen, I want to help you with this, I'm just not sure I'll be enough. And no, don't you dare say I'll always be. I was just thinking, maybe you'd want someone else to talk to about it... like, someone professional." 

"Like, therapy?" Alec asked and leaned back, looking unsure. 

"You don't have to," Magnus said and stroked Alec's cheek with his thumb. "You can talk to me, too. I just thought that maybe some things you'd rather discuss with someone who is not involved in your personal life. But I certainly understand if you don't want that." 

"No, I think... I... maybe it's not such a bad idea. I'm just..." He sighed. "I don't know how to deal with all of this. I don't even understand myself, so how should somebody else?" 

"It's all about figuring it out," Magnus replied softly. "And I'll be there with you through it all. You're not going to walk this path alone, angel." 

For a few seconds Alec just stared. Then he leaned forwards and gave Magnus a soft kiss on the lips. "Thank you so much," he whispered, just inches from Magnus' face. 

"I love you, Alexander Lightwood. And I will never give up on you." He smiled. "And I'll make sure you don't, either."   
Then he leaned in again for another kiss. 

They both knew that love alone couldn't heal all wounds, love couldn't make every problem vanish. 

But love was what would get them through the hard times. Love strengthened them when they needed it the most. 

Love wasn't a cure.   
But it was their guiding light.

**Author's Note:**

> Leaving kudos and/or comments will definitely make my day!  
Thanks xx


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